Christmas

As a child for me Christmas was once magic and festive a time to spend with family and friends and have turkey dinner and exchange gifts. Drive around and look at light displays on people's homes and watch Christmas shows .....Now to me all Christmas does is make you sad, miss people you have lost and turn people into retards and spend too much money they don't have. Don't think I will be celebrating this waste of time holiday next year! :(

Lateral Thinking - Very Amusing :-)

The following is an actual question given on a University chemistry final exam. The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues via the Internet, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law that gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed or some variant thereof. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that, if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell. Because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay constant, the volume of Hell must expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Sandra during my freshman year, that “it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is endothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is extinct…leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being - which explains why, last night, Sandra kept shouting “Oh God!”

The student received the only A grade.

Observation....

I look at the way other people live their lives and it really makes me wonder why do people choose to make things so complicated? I try so hard to keep my life simple uncomplicated, don't get too involved, try to keep my opinion to myself, except for on here of course :)! KISS PEOPLE KEEP IT SIMPLE STUPID! Life is so much more enjoyable when you keep things a uncomplicated as you can!

I haven’t been on here for a while and really I am not sure if anyone out even reads what I have to say and I suppose it doesn’t matter really I just write for me and if anyone wants to read it well here it is!

I am part of several social networking sites and have many on line and personal friends there as well as family members but for some reason I find that I can speak more freely on here on my personal blog. I feel like this is a place where I can just be me. I have tried to do that on my other social networking sites and I get flack lots of flack and it is annoying really annoying! I really didn’t think that the things I say evoke such controversy but apparently they do.

All my life I have felt like I really don’t belong anywhere like I don’t fit it and I struggled for years trying to fit in to find my place. The older I get the more I realize that I am not a social butterfly and really have no desire to be one I don’t like it. I can’t pretend to be something that I am not so I am going to stop pretending. A friend told me one time that I needed to get out more, to network and to get involved with the community more, to get to know more people. This person knows more people in the few years that they have lived here then I have over the past twenty-five years that I have lived here. So I started to get out and interact more and to be honest for the most part I really wasn’t enjoying myself. Don’t get me wrong I love good conversation but I really don‘t have time for small talk and pointless gossip. Instead I prefer one on one conversation that has depth and can carry on for hours late into the night. I am the sort of person who prefers a few close friends to a bunch of casual acquaintances. I, well both my husband and I allow very few people into our home, our sanctuary and our personal space. I don’t like it when people stop by my home unexpectedly I feel intruded upon when they do this. I prefer a day’s notice when company is stopping by so I can prepare both physically and mentally this is my personal space after all. I find when people stop by unexpectedly it is as obtrusive as when someone wakes you up in the middle of the night. I don’t like calls after 10:00 pm unless it is an emergency. There are very few people whom I don’t mind if they stop by unexpectedly, very few! These rules of course do not apply to my studio and gallery that is a public place over the day. That is why David and I created it.

I just find the more you get to know people the more you get caught up in the politics of their personal lives and things get complicated and you find out things that you really didn’t want to know about. For the most part I prefer to know people superficially and only a few people in depth and I will choose the few people whom I decide to know in depth. It may sound rude but I find in general people to be annoying especially when you are dealing with their baggage! I hate other people’s baggage.

I love and embrace those I chose to be close to and I have decided that I am not going to feel abnormal because I enjoy my own company, my home, my husband, my cats, my art! If people want to call me anti social or reclusive well go ahead! I don’t get bored when I am by myself there are a million and one things that I can do by myself or with my husband or the few people that I choose to be close to! I don’t need to go to social functions all the time just for the sake of not shutting myself away from the world. I prefer to explore the world and the people in it in my way! I am not an open book I don’t want everyone to know about my personal life and business. I have heard so much about other people’s personal lives and it is mind-boggling and too complicated and I find out things that I really don’t want to know about, hear about or see. I don’t need to know about people’s sex lives REALLY I don’t care! To me sex is a private matter between two people. I prefer to be a mystery. I prefer it when people wonder who I am rather then know everything about me and there is nothing wrong with this.

2010 is the year when I decided to start living life my way not the way others think that I should live it. If people want to think I am weird or anti social because of this that is fine so be it!

If I allow you to get to know me you would see that I am a good person. Honest maybe too honest sometimes. I find that people don’t always like honesty more often then not they prefer the comfort of lies but we know that lies are not comfortable! If you confide in me that confidence is NEVER broken. I however, have had my confidence broken by many people both family and supposed friends. So I choose very carefully when confiding in someone and there are some things that I just don’t say to anyone at all! If my husband and I have a disagreement or issue that we are dealing with I prefer to not broadcast it via the friend and family grapevine. We deal with the issues in our lives privately and that is why our relationship is so strong! I NEVER say rude things about my husband behind his back to family and friends and he does the same for me. Why the fuck would someone what to stay with the person that they talk dirt about and I HATE it when my friend or family talks dirt about their partners. I just feel like telling them why are you with them? Obviously you don’t respect them or love them otherwise you would speak ill of them when they are not around! It drives me nutty when people do this. Then when you see them together they are all friendly with each other I don’t get it and I don’t want to get it I don’t want any part of it! I am happy with my life the way it is and I think people just need to work out their own shit!

My parents did a good job of raising me and no they weren’t perfect and to some degree I suffered the results their imperfections but then we all have because there is no such thing as the perfect parent. All parents make mistakes they are only human after all. I love my folks and thank them for the road they started me on they did the best they could at that time. I am certain if they had it to do all over again my upbringing would have been much different but if we all had it to do all over again all of us would make different choices, right? As an adult I have discovered that my ideals are not my parents ideals, my beliefs are not their beliefs. We don’t have to follow in our parent’s footsteps or even live up to their expectations for that matter! I believe if we realize this we can truly become who we really are not who we are expected to be and that is the path that I chose to walk.

So I just move forward and discover, grow, learn and feel more and more comfortable in my own skin as time goes by. It is very enlightening and gratifying to not live up to others expectations and standards. Just be yourself and the ones who are truly your friends the ones who truly matter will like and accept you for whom you really are and not for whom you think you have to pretend to be.

The one thing that I just cannot tolerate is dishonesty and I see it all the time. With people around me even family. I always say that I will only have real anything in my life. Real love, real friendship etc. nothing fake and I stand by that even if it means that I must stand on my own at times. I am very lucky that my husband feels the same way as I do our paths do parallel each other and for that I am grateful!

YEP IT'S ME AGAIN SAYING THINGS ABOUT STUFF! :)

So once again here I sit in front of my computer feeling somewhat perplexed. I ask myself why am I feeling this way? I guess the whole debate regarding the Olympics is really disturbing me right now because it has opened my eye as to the way that some of the people I know really are. I am trying so hard to stay neutral I am trying so hard to respect others opinions and I am trying so hard to stay open-minded and not fall victim to the herd mentality and hate mongering! I am surprised by how many people I know who are against the Olympics and I lso know some who support the Olympics as well and that’s fine I respect both sides opinion and it is their right to feel the way they do. I have heard various reasons why people don’t support the Olympics and to be honest with you I just don’t know enough about it to just take their word for it and to agree with them. Did these people do their homework? Do they know for certain that what they are saying is actual fact or are they just taking someone other persons word for it? The one thing that life has taught me is whether the information or idea comes from a stranger or friend, before I give my opinion or take sides I first try to do my homework. I try to educate myself and find out as much as I can about the situation as I can and I don’t take anyone word for anything! It is sad but I just find that the Olympics is bringing about such hatred and anger even amongst the people whom I know personally and in my community. It seems to be causing such a division even on line I have even seen loss of friendship over it.

Here is an example a twenty-one year old athlete was killed on Friday during a practice run which was so tragic and I felt so bad for him and his friends and family. First of all it is sad for whatever reason that such a young person should die. He worked so hard to reach his goal which obviously meant so much to him. I don’t know to many people would be willing to devoted that much of their life towards their passion. Most people just talk about doing things but never actually do them. I mentioned this to a friend of mine and they just blew it off and basically said oh well what ever boohoo. I was very surprised at how cold they were. They just basically said well that’s what the media wants to see and to some degree they are right but you can’t eliminate the fact that this person is a fellow human being, well at least I’m not going to. That young man had friends and family and he meant something to someone and now he is gone forever. Even thought I don’t know this man and his family personally I still have compassion for them, if I didn't how could I call myself a loving and decent human being? I am very disheartened by the way my friend reacted to the situation I find it very disturbing that someone could be so cold even if it is someone they don't know!

My mom called me yesterday and was telling me about the protesters in Vancouver. Now if people want to protest that is fine we all have a right to our opinions and the freedom to express them. That is what makes living in Canada such unique and wonderful experience! These people were asked to keep their protest friendly but of course there were those individuals who chose not to. So what do they do they wear masks, which to me indicates their cowardice. If you believe so strongly in something why would you hide behind a mask? You would think they would be proud of what they stand for and show their face! Also these people are destroying other innocent people’s property and the police also found that many of them were carrying alcohol. I would suspect many of them were also under the influence of drugs as well? So these people are protesting with clouded judgment and perceptions. One of these masked individuals told the media that they were doing this for the indigenous people. Ah hello I’m an indigenous person and what I would like to know is how the hell are these people helping me by behaving this way? This is what I mean about people’s head mentality and people feeding off of each others hatred! My father always told me to try to not be hateful. He said hate grows and consumes you with out you even knowing it. Then others start to feed off your hate and the next thing you know an ugly angry mob has been created and he was completely right. I see this happening even with the people I know. Not so much in a violent way but rather in a nitpicking, bickering, getting your digs in and giving negative opinions sort of way and it is tiresome and self-defeating in my opinion.

The day we had the Olympic torch relays go through town I was very excited because a friend of mine was one of those selected to carry the torch. In the twenty-five years I have lived here I think that was the most people I have ever seen gathered in town for an event and I thought the community spirit was so inspiring and it was so much fun to be a part of that. Sadly there were so many people whom I spoke to in person and on my social networking pages who were looking down their noses at the Olympic torch relay celebration. One of the naysayers wasn’t even aware that the town was given a substantial sum of money to pay for the celebrations. So this makes me ask myself, what else are these naysayers not aware of? I just noticed that many of the people who were so negative about the torch relay and the Olympics in general are the ones who are obviously not that happy with themselves or their own lives. They spend their days in their small town sitting in cafes drinking cup after cup of coffee, stuffing doughnuts in their faces and getting bigger and bigger and more and more unhappy with themselves and bitching about pretty much everything around them but doing nothing about it! Why are these people not out doing something more rewarding and productive or fulfilling? Do they not have hobbies or more positive things that they are passionate about? Do they have any passion at all other then the anger that is obviously growing in them? Wow all I can say is what a sad way they have chosen to live their lives. Even though I live in the same small town I don’t ever want to become one of these people.

Everyone talks about how corrupt these big corporations who are supporting the Olympics are and they are right but before we point to many wagging fingers we must all take a good look in the mirror and ask ourselves just how truly honest we are! Can you say that you have NEVER done anything dishonest or corrupt in your entire life? Can you say that you have deliberately or inadvertently caused someone pain? I would suspect that most of us would have to say no. I would suspect that many of us will continue to do dishonest things and find ways to justify our actions because that’s what humans do. So why should these large corporations be any different after all human beings run them.

People complain about the footprint that the Olympics are going to leave on this earth and they are right and I hope those involved are doing everything they can to make that footprint as small as possible once the Olympics are over. Again all these people who sit and complain drive cars, purchase packaged foods, wear clothing and consume and pollute in one way or another. As sad as it is, it is virtually impossible to live a modern lifestyle and not leave a footprint behind. I could go on and on but I won’t because I think I have made my point here.

I am not completely happy with everything regarding the Olympics but there is nothing that I can do to change it . I except the fact that it seems when humankind is involved in anything, even when it is supposed to be something good, there to some degree will always be corruption, it is the nature of humankind. So I will take the good things from the Olympics such as how hard the athlete have worked to achieve their goal! I am proud of them and inspired by them to do my best to achieve my personal goals! I also hope our Canadian athletes win lots of gold metals. Many people who knew nothing about Vancouver and British Columbia are now finding out how amazing it is here. Now this is probably not going to affect my little town a great deal but you never know. After all how many people passed through here on their way to the Vancouver 2010 Olympics? Highway number three does go right through our little town. I want our town to grow I know some people don’t want that to happen they would prefer that it stay this way for ever. Well nothing in life ever stays the same and you just have to learn to change with your surroundings and situations. I learned that very quickly after a careless driver killed my father. My happy life as I knew it while he was alive was changed forever, literally with in a few heartbeats now he is gone for ever and David, mom and I have to learn how to live with that and be happy.

Both my husband and I have been feeling the need to meet some new people and make changes in our life. To become successful at what we do which for me is my artwork and for my husband the music writing method that he has designed. We want to move forward and meet people who are outside of the circle of people we already associate with. We want to meet people who inspire us and are open minded and progressive. People who embrace and encourage change. It would be nice to meet people whom we can have interesting conversations with, with out always having to indulge in idol gossip or speak ill of others. I have a few friends who are like that and it is refreshing but sadly we don’t get together as often as we would like because our schedules are so different but when we do we have a good time.

My husband and I are in a very happy strong relationship with each other and sometimes I can’t help but feel that some people resent how close we are. My parents were very close and they encountered this. Their friends would try to separate them and make fun of them wanting to do everything together. I know it sounds cliche but David and I are best friends and actually enjoy each others company we enjoy doing things together. We wouldn't be with each other if we didn't! My parents were also best friends and their relationship outlasted most of their friends relationships as will David and mine! It would be nice if we could meet couples that are happy in their relationships and actually enjoy doing things with each other instead of always wanting to get away from their partner. I just don’t understand why people stay in unhappy relationships it just doesn’t make any sense to me? For some reason they choose to stay together and bitch about each other o their friends behind each others backs which doesn’t solve anything. It seems that they don’t even want to try to work things out with each other and why? No matter how much you love someone you have to work hard at being in a relationship with them, everything isn't going to just fall into place. After all you are two separate people bringing two separate lives together.

So am I asking the universe for too much? No I am not! I know what I am looking for is out there and that I will find it or it will find me!

My Uncanny Story

About fifteen years ago I started a drawing of a nature spirit. I am not sure why but I got tired of the drawing and never completed it. I thought that I had disposed of the drawing as I have with many drawings that I lost my passion for. I don’t know I guess it’s an artist thing and you would have to be of an artist’s temperament to relate to losing passion for something that you created. So fifteen years go by and I forgot about the unfinished art.

As many of you know a careless driver killed my father in November of 2008. About a year after the accident my mom decided to downsize and move to a new place. So some friends of ours and we had the daunting task of cleaning out my fathers workshop. Saying goodbye to the material items of a lost loved one is almost as difficult as losing them. In the blur of emotion as we sorted through my fathers things we came across a tube. I opened it up and was in absolute shock to see the unfinished nature spirit drawing that I thought I had discarded so many years ago. OMG my dad lovingly kept this drawing for fifteen years in hopes that I would some day regain my passion for it and finish it.

I took it home and tucked it away with the intention of completing it some day. I couldn’t deal with it then it was all just far too emotional! Recently we have been framing some of my older work to display in my gallery and decided that I was ready to start working on the nature spirit. So David and I looked and looked and we couldn’t find it anywhere and I was completely devastated. It upset me so badly that my dad had kept this drawing all this time and now I couldn’t find it! I thought maybe it got lost in the move.

Last night while working on one of grandpa’s book illustrations I ran out of pencil leads so I started to look for the package of refills. As many of you know I use a 0.3 mechanical pencil to do all my pencil artwork. I couldn’t find the refills and was getting frustrated so David started helping me look for them. I reached my hand on the shelf under my workbench for the third time and felt a tube of paper there. I pulled it out and to my absolute astonishment it was my unfinished nature spirit drawing. Now you have to understand I have looked in this spot many times and all that was there is a roll of brown paper that I use to wrap my original artwork in when I sell it and nothing else. However, when I put my hand there I felt two rolls the paper and the drawing beside it. I swear to God that the artwork was not there before and I had looked there many times. Even David can confirm this and is a bit shocked by it.

Of course I am delighted and will start working on the drawing to finish it in the honor and memory of my dad. To make this situation more uncanny I had a dream last night and at one point I walked into a restaurant and saw my dad sitting there at a table smiling as he always does when he comes to me in my dreams.

He said to me, ”Did you bring your artwork? I have been telling them about your art.”

I told him that I didn’t. Then he told me, ”You are going to get cold dressed like that.”

I had short sleeved shirt on, I said, ”No I will be fine I have a jacket.” I had my gray sweater in my hand and I put it on the table in front of him. Then I woke up at the same time as David did he woke up laughing he had a funny dream that he told me about later that morning before he went to work.

So I know that I have a very close connection to my dad via this drawing so I must complete it and that is just what I intend to do just for you dad. Thanks for keeping my drawing for all those years and for believing in me.

This morning while David and I were discussing the unusual event that had taken place. David mentioned that several years ago dad had shown him the nature spirit and told him that he hoped I would finish it some day.

Unexpected Sunday Fun

David and I and Maureen and a friend of hers were invited over to Jason’s house on Sunday. David and I know Jason casually we see him at a local bookstore, coffee shop all the time and we also attended a murder mystery dinner with him a while back.

I love to get to know new people and when Jason called and invited us over to his place we were delighted but had no idea what sort of evening to expect and I must say we were pleasantly surprised! It turns out our host was born and raised here in Creston and his family has apparently been here for a long time. He used to work for our local museum so he is was quite a wealth of information. I learned more about our town that evening then I have in the twenty-four years that I have resided here.

It also turns out that he is an avid collector of antiques. His home was filled with some amazing items it was like stepping back in time we should have all dressed in period costumes to help set the mood. Jason was very knowledgeable about every item that he collected as we toured his home and he had many interesting stories to share.

Some of the most interesting items that Jason has collected are his Edison gramophones; he has both the cylinder and diamond disk style. While sipping tea and eating home made scones with preserves and clotted cream (very much like Devon cream) we had the pleasure of listening to both styles of gramophones. I told my mom about this and she said that her parents had a gramophone. I wonder what ever happened to it? That would be a nice keep sake.

The records that we listened to were from the 1920’s and 1930’s. It was amazing it made me think of the old time radio story podcasts that I love to listen to while I do my artwork. We also got to listen to his player piano a first time experience for me. He also had a harpsichord that needed some work done on it but it was again the first time that I had seen a harpsichord. The harpsichord and the harp are my favorite instruments. It has always been my dream to learn the harp they are just to exspensive otherwise I would!

It was a delightful way to spend a Sunday evening and Jason was an excellent host I hope we get the chance to do this again.

My New Fave Group!

Oh my husband is so good at finding new music that he knows I will love!!!! Dirty Granny Tales ROCKS!!!! Check it out!

Feeling Better :)

Admittedly I was feeling a bit down yesterday so last night I when to my studio. I put on an Old Time Radio ghost story podcast and pulled out a sheet of art paper and my favorite 0.3 mechanical pencil and just started to do what I do best. I didn’t work on the book illustrations like I had planned to because I still need an image of a priest from the late 1800’s. I looked on the Internet and couldn’t find an image that I was happy with but apparently mom has a book with some images in it so I will use this. I don’t like to copy things exactly unless of course I am instructed to. Quite often I just use the image as an example, you know for the right proportion things like that.

But last night was for me, I was so stressed out yesterday and I am not too sure why exactly so I just let myself flow artistically and it was very therapeutic for me. I just let the podcasts carry my imagination through the story and my pencil glide over the paper with no particular plan in mind. This is how I draw and I have done some of my best work this way! I am still not finished the drawing but I am happy with it so far. I may finish it tonight before working on the book illustration it's only a small drawing.

Ok so I am not saving lives or doing some great deed for humanity or doing something productive for that matter but I am doing my art and it sure heals my soul and sometimes the souls of others! There is nothing I love more then just sitting in my studio by myself and creating it is very gratifying!

I am in the process of trying to find ways to promote my artwork so my husband and I went to KES and spoke with a woman there yesterday. It turns out that the woman has about the same amount of eyesight as I do. It‘s a small town and I have heard her name mentioned before and new that she was visually impaired but we never met. As I have said before I don’t really go out of my way to meet other visually impaired people.

So here is this woman who has pretty much the same amount of eye sight as I do and she is working in an office helping David and I find resources to promote my artwork and I am thinking boy she is lucky she has such a great job. Then I was very surprised that she new about my artwork and that she really admired it. It always amazes me how many people whom I have never met know me because of my artwork it is very inspiring and encouraging. I guess even though I get down sometimes I just have to keep doing what I do. I must be on the right path.

I guess I was meant to meet this woman because I discovered that for her going through life with a visual impairment presented her with the same obstacles as I had faced and still face. It was nice to see that someone else new how I felt and actually could see it from my prospective which is something sighted people can't do. She was lucky that she grew up here in Creston instead of in Sparwood like I did. She said it was a bit easier for her to get through school here the kids weren’t as cruel to her as they were to me. Sparwood was a horrible place to grow up with a disability but that is where my dad’s work was. Oh well I got through it. Anyway she was just the person I needed to talk to so now I don’t feel so alone.

Even though I was a bit stressed yesterday it seemed like one of those days where David and I just met all the right people at the right time.

My Thoughts Of The Day

It’s a dark rainy day but the one good thing about it is that the snow is melting. I am so glad that we didn’t get much snow this year, not like last year! No I am not a fan of snow or the cold and I don’t like it too hot or sunny either. I am a happy medium sort of gal who likes medium warm weather with lots of clouds and rain and I am a thunderstorm junkie! I know it sounds weird but the weather that many people find depressing. Energizes me.

So what to do on this rainy day? Well after this blog spending time in my beautiful studio sounds good to me. I am in the process of illustrating my grandpa John’s book. Once the illustrations are finished David and I have to put together a draft copy of the book. Then we have to find out what it will cost to print the book, we are looking at a thousand copies to start. I am hoping that I am eligible for some sort of grant maybe a historical one since this is a book about Lakota history I am sure there will be some sort of funding out there for me. I know my mom’s family is anxious for the English version to come out and we have quite a list of people interested in purchasing the book. Grandpa and grandma would be SO excited and so would my dad!

It is awesome that the German version of this book is finally available to the public and Frank, the publisher told me that a lot of copies have been sold so far! My grandpa’s dream is coming to fruition and I am now a published illustrator and when I am finished the English version of grandpa’s book I can add publisher to that list. I am not sure what good these titles will do for me but one never knows what the future may hold.

I am not sure how it is for all artists but for me it is difficult to just go and draw. You don’t turn it on like a water faucet it has to flow naturally. My husband will say Margaux get off the computer and just go and sit in your studio and draw. It doesn’t always work that way I just end up staring at my paper and nothing happens and it freaks me out because I feel like maybe I have forgotten how to draw but then I pick up my pencil or brush and it happens almost like magic. For the most part I don’t even know what the piece will look like I just think of a theme and start somewhere on the paper or canvas. However, if I am distracted by something this will sometimes inhibit my creativity or on the other hand it can make me even more creative, it just depends on the situation.

Some people don’t understand artists, they think we are flaky, daydreamers and are too whimsical and lazy and maybe sometimes we are but what would the world be with out all the amazing things that artist have created through out the centuries. Trying to make a career of being an artist is not easy. Most parents would like to see their children have a good career and would freak out if their child wanted to make a career as an artist, actor, singer, drawing, dancing or musician it doesn’t matter which one. I guess the most important thing is that you have to love what you do it must come from within. I know there are some commercial artists out there who make more money then I do but I have met some of these people and they plod along drawing what they are told to draw and not what comes from their heart. Some of them seem quite unfulfilled even though they are doing something creative.

Not sure why but I feel anxious today and a bit grumpy and antisocial I get that way sometimes. I like to go out and interact with others and socialize every now and then but for the most part I prefer to be on my own in my studio or in front of my computer. I am not one of these people who have the need to be entertained every night. Both David and I are very private people. I prefer it when people call before they stop by. When we opened the gallery just having people come in off the street was hard to get use to. This is the main reason why the gallery is totally separate from our home. Speaking of the gallery I guess I really should get out there and get off this computer. Just feeling a bit off today and not too sure why so I figured a blog session would help me sort things out or at least vent.

We all have a gift this I firmly believe to be true. Sometimes I find it ironic that here I am almost totally blind and my gift is to draw ultra-detailed drawings, what’s up with that any way? Why couldn’t my gift have been being a good accountant or some other skill that would have made for a far more practical career, something that would allow me to bring more of an income to our household what I do seen so impractical?

OOPS I am getting a bit off track here I guess now that I think about it I am feeling a bit stressed because my husband has to go to a neighboring town with his boss to do some work and I am very worried. I hate it when we have to travel at this time of the year. Every time someone I love has to go out on the road I have this unreasonable fear that something really bad is going to happen to them. This is something that I have been grappling with ever since my dad was killed by that careless driver in November 2008. I know I should be over it by now I mean come on Margaux it has been over a year. I hate feeling this way and it is completely irrational, I know. My dad’s accident was a total fluke if he had been only a few seconds slower it would have been a close call instead of an accident that caused the loss of someone I love very much. David is very careful especially after dad’s accident because he knows how many careless people are out there on the road. I just don’t know how to get over this feeling and it really annoys me! Anyway I guess it is my baggage something I am just going to have to deal with. I am sure there are others out there who have the same worries about the ones they love. I think the fact that I don’t see well and can’t drive makes it difficult for me to understand the whole road thing and how it works and just how safe or dangerous it really is. I am hoping that this feeling will pass as time goes by. I never use to feel this way not with this intensity any way. I don’t think my dad would want me to feel this way either. He would tell me to smarten up!

It is funny how expressing yourself on the World Wide Web can be some what therapeutic and thank you for taking the time to read my blog. A couple glasses of Merlot help also heeheehee!

Damn It Anyway!

The other day I was feeling very frustrated, angry and unsettled and I just wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. I don’t get this way to often but every now and then this happens. My poor husband David is thinking that he did something wrong and I didn’t realize that my mood was affecting him so deeply and I certainly didn’t mean to upset him. So he just gave me my space, which I appreciated.

First off I really hate it when a woman is having a bad day and the first thing people say especially men, is that she has PMS. You know every time a woman is in a bad mood or unhappy it doesn’t always have something to do with her hormones! Sometimes we actually have things happen in our lives that affect us emotionally! For me it is dealing with my visual impairment, sometimes it just gets to me and I get tired of being almost blind and the constant struggle that accompanies that.

I try very hard to deal with my life in a positive way and I try not to take my frustration out on others even though some people can be real assholes when it comes to dealing with my visual impairment! I have to admit that I am not always good at talking to others about what is on my mind. That is why blogging works for me. I am happy that I can speak openly to my two best friends my husband David and my friend of thirty-three years Tracey. So finally I broke down and had to admit to David that I was upset. As I said I felt bad because he thought I was angry with him and I certainly wasn’t. So this is what I told him and after I shared my feelings with him he suggested that I blog what I said to him and put it out there on cyberspace and the universe so here it is.

Living with a visual impairment can be very frustrating at times. Here in Creston Valley I am in my comfort zone I know my way around here and I know my way around the towns in my area. I have lived off and on in this valley for almost twenty-five years I guess by now I should pretty much know it like the back of my hand. So when I live my daily life I feel quite average and normal for the most part. Sometimes I even forget that I have a visual impairment and so do my friends.

My visual impairment is severe. I am blind in one eye and have about ten percent of my sight in the other. I don’t want to get into how I became visually impaired but if you are interested in reading more about this you can visit Living With A Visual Impairment on my website at www.artbymargaux.com.

There are times in my life when I am faced with things that make me realize just how blind I am and it really frightens me when I am faced with these challenges and this reality. A good example of this is when I went for surgery in Calgary. It was nothing life threatening nothing very dangerous. I was diagnosed with hyperparathyroidism and needed to get the effected parathyroid gland removed. My two surgeons Dr. Dort and Dr. Warshawski were both very nice. They were very straightforward about what was wrong with me and what needed to be done about it. They also both reassured me that I really didn’t need to be afraid.

When I had to go to Foothills Hospital for my surgery of course I was anxious this was only the second time that I have ever had surgery. The first time was for some cosmetic surgery that I had done on my blind eye and that was over twenty-five years ago in Vancouver. Of course being in a large city like Calgary means that I am no longer in my comfort zone and makes me realize just how impaired my vision is. Just a quick thought, I have to smile when I say large city because my husband David is from Toronto and actually thinks that Calgary is quite small. David finds his way around Calgary quite easily. Ok back to my story.

We stayed in Calgary for two nights I spent one of those in the hospital. So the first day we go there we found our hotel near the hospital then went to China Town for something to eat. We have crappy Chinese food here in Creston and I love Chinese food so it was a real treat for us.

The next morning we head to the hospital and I am getting ready for my day surgery. Foothills hospital is the largest hospital I have ever seen. I have lived in small towns all my life partly because of my visual impairment it is much easier for me to navigate a smaller place. I have been lucky and haven’t been in hospitals much except to visit others. My husband stayed with me for as long as they would allow him to. So many people asking me questions and everything is so unfamiliar it was all quite disorienting. At one point both my surgeons came in to see me just before the surgery. I was terrified but not so much about the surgery because I was so well informed as to what was going to happen, I was more frightened about everything else the lack of control and the unfamiliarity of everything I was completely intimidated by this. Dr. Warshawski told me not to be afraid, I know he had no idea as to what exactly it was that I was afraid of. I am not even sure if he knew that I was legally blind. I am not sure if I told him or Dr. Dort about my visual impairment. I don’t know maybe he thought I was just being a forty-four baby over a little day surgery? Who knows I guess it really doesn’t matter he and Dr. Dort were there to do their job and a good job they did indeed. I know that I was in very good hands…

Before the surgery I was asked many questions one of the concerns that they had was protecting my eyes so they took extra precautions. Of course this freaked me out completely and at this point I started to cry. Damn it I really didn’t want to cry and I was doing so well. I struggle so hard to be a strong person and there is nothing I hate more then crying in front of people! What little vision I have is important to me my art is so detailed and I wouldn’t be able to do my artwork any more if my vision got any worse. Even with the vision that I have it is a struggle for me to draw. Even though I use visual aids it is a strain on my eyes, my neck and my back. I have chronic back and neck pain because I have to stoop to get so close to the paper when I draw!

I remember walking into the operating room and feeling like I wanted to bolt. I don’t know what it is but I have an absolute phobia of people wearing hospital uniforms. I could see those same people in their street clothes and I am fine but they put on those uniforms and my heart races and I feel nauseated even white lab coats freak me out. There has to be reasons for this you don’t just become afraid of something like that for nothing I am sure some shrink would figure it out lol. So I am standing in the operating room and thinking what would they do if I just turned and ran? I am wondering if anyone has ever done that before? If I did run how much trouble would I get into or would they just not care and get on with other things? That thought left me quite quickly when I realized that because of my visual impairment I probably wouldn’t be able to find my way out of the hospital that easily. So of course this made me feel even more trapped and confined and I hated it and I hated my self for being so fearful and thinking this way! These people do surgery all the time so I don’t know if they can even tell how I am feeling or if I looked calm because I sure didn’t feel calm. From my prospective I felt I must have looked like a deer in the headlights.

I lay down on the narrow table and they start to prepare me for surgery and at this point I can’t move because they have stuff attached to both my arms. I am muttering nervously about this and that you know I don’t really remember what I said but I am sure most of it was nonsense. I think I remember someone asking me why I had five holes in my ears but I can’t remember exactly what I said to them and I guess it really doesn’t matter. The one thing I really liked was the music in the background it was eighties music that I was familiar with and it was comforting. I was wondering who got to choose the music and I was very happy that they didn’t choose country! Oh God can you imagine falling asleep to some droning wining country song. I think something by Phil Collins was the last thing I heard before I was out.

It took them a while to find me a room but they finally found one for me in the burn ward. I really lucked out and got a private room all to myself with a television. I couldn’t really see the TV from my bed; at home I usually sit right in front of the TV on a chair but it was still a comforting to have the TV there and I listened to and sort of watched Murdoch Mysteries and the Calgary news. It helped to pass the time.

Once I was settled in my room it was so good to see my husband and mom their familiar faces were a great comfort since I spend most of the day feeling so disoriented, lost and turned around. After mom and David left that fear and discomfort started to settle in again. How lost I felt once again and I hate it when this happens but it does when I am in unfamiliar settings. I was watching the Calgary news and I started thinking what would I do if David and mom got killed in a car accident on the way back to their hotel. You hear of these things happening on the news all the time. I thought how would I get home what would I do? I tried to get this stupid thought out of my head I mean come on Margaux the hotel is only about three blocks away but then I realized I don’t even know if I could find my way back to our hotel and that stupid gripping fear got worse.

No I am not feeling sorry for myself these are legitimate concerns and unless someone can see the world through my eyes no one will truly understand. Yes here I am in my private room surrounded by burn victims who I can hear suffering and I felt bad for them and thought of the difficult road that they had ahead of them recovering from their injuries. Most of them will recover eventually but no matter what I do my vision will never get better and thank God it is not supposed to get worse but living with this on a daily basis does get tiresome.

I am a very free spirited person and sometimes I feel trapped in my own body sometimes I feel like I am on a tether and the world is just out of my reach. I think this is why I have always lived in small towns. This is part of the reason why I never got a career even though I always wanted one. Because I am limited when it comes to traveling I haven’t been able to properly promote my own artwork. Thank God David can help me with that now and my parents helped me as much as they could in the past. Yes I know I am supposed to focus on the things that I can do but there are so many things that I can’t do that it is difficult sometimes to over look them.

When I was going to school you couldn’t pass your grade unless you passed physical education. I know it is important to be active but in looking back schools putting such emphasis on PE was really stupid. So if you got good grades in everything else they wouldn’t pass you if you failed PE! So here I am I can’t play any sports that involve the use of a ball so I spent a lot of time doing nothing and feeling very left out and of course my classmates often made fun of me. Fortunately there were a few things that got me my passing grade for PE. I could run like the wind very few people could catch me even some of the guys. How ironic is that, a blind woman who can run really fast. I think I inherited this from my dad who could also run very fast. I was also good at floor gymnastics. I couldn’t do anything on the uneven bars or the horse you need depth perception for that and with monocular vision I don’t have that. Anything I do that involves depth perception I learn with practice. I also could dance so when they did any of these things in PE I could be involved and it barely got me my passing grade.

I am a very active person and if I had good eyesight I probably would do much more then I am now. I stay in shape by working with free weights and on my treadmill. I love to explore caves and when I lived in Idaho we did this a few times and it was a lot of fun! I would like to try repelling some day I am hoping David and I can do this. He tried it and said it was a lot of fun. I would probably love skiing even though I am not a huge fan of the snow and cold the challenge would be nice but it would be a very difficult thing for me to do. We never got around to it but a friend of mine who is very skilled skier was going to take me skiing one time she was going to ski in front of me and have me follow exactly what she did. She figured if she acted as my eyes I would be able to go a lot faster then if I was on my own. I am sure it would have worked and who knows maybe I may get a chance to do this. Well it had better happen soon though I am not getting any younger!

Anyway I hope none of you see this blog as self-pity because it certainly isn’t meant to be that way I am simply sharing my feelings with you. Letting people know how frustrating it can be sometimes. Yes we all have our limitations and I get tired of people telling me this. When I express myself in this way I am not always looking for an answer sometimes I am just wanting someone to listen and to learn. Aside from being quadriplegic I think limited eyesight is one of the most difficult disabilities for someone to deal with because we rely on our eyesight for pretty much everything we do.

So I will plod along and live my life and for the most part do this quite happily. Every now and then the stress gets to me but I will get through it I always do. Even though I get pissed off about a lot of things I suppose in the end these experiences will make me a stronger person either that or I will go insane! Maybe I will just become a crazy cat lady. Oh that’s right I already am one!

2010 Updates

So another Christmas and new years has come and gone. David and I had our first Christmas dinner at our home. We wanted to give mom a treat so we had her and four friends over for dinner. It was a difficult Christmas for both mom and I since dad’s death and I can’t help but feel sad that our first Christmas dinner in our home was without him. I have to admit that it is strange to celebrate Christmas with out my dad it was such an important time of your for him but we still managed to have fun and that is what he would want us to do. Mom helped me prepare dinner so it was a busy and distracted day. Even though it is supposed to be a time for celebration and good cheer, it seems that the festive holiday season has a tendency to remind us of the ones we have lost. All I can hope for is that my father was with us in spirit.

I don’t care for traditional turkey and bread stuffing all that much. I will eat it if someone serves it but I won’t prepare it myself so for dinner I served Cornish hens with wild rice stuffing, sweet potatoes and home made cranberry sauce that mom made. Our friend Malcolm brought over a green bean and almond dish that was awesome and Gwen and Dave brought over some home made wine yum! After dinner we sat around and had a few drinks and visited we all had a great deal of fun. Friends are the family that you choose!

On Boxing Day David and I took down our small fiber optic Christmas tree. This will be the last time I use that tree with dad gone I feel the need to create a new tradition so this year I am going to do a Nightmare Before Christmas theme for my new tree. We picked up a three-foot tree at Walmart in Cranbrook. I will spray paint it black and use orange lights on it. Since I am the queen of Halloween and pretty much celebrate it all year round all my friends thought that this was a great idea and a nice way for me to incorporate my favorite holiday with Christmas. I will decorate the tree with Halloween themed items; I think it will look great! If I have time I will try to create a Tim Burton-esque village to place under the tree! We will see how busy I am this year.

Once we got all the Christmas items packed away for another year we headed over to our friends Malcolm and Jon’s place for their annual Boxing Day party. I have to admit that we all over indulged that day but hey that’s what this time of year is for! The rest of the week before new years it was pretty quiet we needed to recuperate. We were invited to a party on new years eve that we had every intention of attending, hot tub outside and everything but when the day came we were just too burned out and decided to have a romantic evening at home instead. You know this was equally as fun as going to the party and we are going to get together with Rae another time! Some hot spiced wine, my sweetie and our four cats, what a great way to bring in the New Year. When David and I don’t go anywhere for New Years it is our tradition to make hot spiced wine. If we weren’t so tired we would have had a fire in our wood stove in the back yard.

I didn’t manage to get my three feet by five foot acrylic painting of Cat City finished until after the New Year but that’s ok. That’s the nice thing about being an artist you don’t have to have deadlines after all you can’t force creativity it must flow. This is one reason why I am not to fond of doing commissioned work unless they give me total artistic license which is what I usually get when I am commissioned to do a piece. So Cat City is my first painting of 2010. It was difficult for me to work on Cat City. Originally it started off as another painting called Mistress Catarina, which was going to be a painting of a gypsy fortune-telling cat sitting in front of her table with a crystal ball and her tarot cards. I had started the painting before my dad’s death. I remember showing it to him and he was looking forward do seeing it when it was finished. He was a big fan of my cat paintings and drawings. After he was killed I tried to finish the painting but couldn’t it was just far too painful so it just sat there in my studio for almost a year unfinished and taking up room. Finally I covered the original painting in black to prepare the canvas for a new painting. It took me a while to know what I was going to paint I just wasn’t sure but that is the way it works for me with my art. I don’t plan the drawing or painting it has to come to me. The idea of a cat filled city came to me and I was able to complete the canvas which now proudly hangs in my gallery. I think my dad would have liked it.

Now I have to focus on getting the book illustrations done, these will all be in pencil, which is my favorite medium. I haven’t worked with pencil for a while so it will be a nice change. Many of you who read my blogs know of my grandpa John’s stories and that I am publishing and illustrating them. As you know for many reasons I have had to put this project on the back burner over the past two years but it will be published this year for sure come hell or high water. I have about eight more illustrations to do. My friend Louanne who is a professor of writing and the author of several books will be proof reading the stories for me I am so honored to have her give me a hand with this project. I am happy to announce that the German version of grandpa’s book is now in print so I am now officially a published illustrator! This title will be a wonderful addition to my resume! Also and most important my grandpa’s dream of having his stories published has finally come to fruition. So now the family is pressing me to get the English version finished.

As many of you know after my father was killed I couldn’t do much for a bout a year. It is amazing how his death stole the creativity from me as well as a few other things. I tried to be creative that year but it just wasn’t in me and I needed to mourn his loss. Now it is time to move forward I know that is what my dad would want. He would say,” Little one you have to get back in there and start creating and make me proud!” So this year my goal is to focus on doing more art work in fact my new years resolution and my promise to myself, my husband David and dear friend Jon, is to spend at least two hours a day in the studio. I really need to produce more art and it is going to be a long winter! Everyone around here knows my work and who I am so I need to expand the exposure that my art gets by traveling to cities such as Calgary or tourist areas like Banff and try to find a market for my work there. It would be nice to go to Calgary this year for fun instead of for appointments. David and I worked hard building the studio and gallery and it is beautiful so we also want to promote our business so we will start to find ways to increase the amount of traffic that comes to our gallery and my website. Also my poor website is very dated so I have a big job ahead of me updating that.

Is it my imagination or are the days starting to get noticeably longer? As much as I love the nighttime I appreciate the return of longer days! Oh how I long for a warm summer night and a good thunderstorm! At this time of year while others our out skiing, snow shoeing, skating and such I spend my day longing for warmer weather which makes for a very long a tedious winter. I guess David and I will have to start trying to find ways to enjoy winter. Maybe taking up cross-country skiing or snowshoeing would be fun and a great way to get some exorcise out doors? I workout in the house with free weights and on my treadmill but it would be much nicer to get fresh air. When I was in high school our physical education class gave us skiing lessons in Fernie. It was fun but with my severe visual impairment down hill skiing was quite a challenge I could only go so fast and really had to watch out for others. I suppose if I had kept up with it I would have improved and it would be more enjoyable. I did meet my best friend Tracey there and we had a lot of fun together and are still the best of friends.

One good way to get outside and enjoy the winter weather is to soak in a hot spring and that is exactly what we did last week. Malcolm and Jon took David and I out to Ainsworth Hot Springs and for lunch, oh what a treat that was! It is about an hour and a half drive along Kootenay Lake and I must say that it was beautiful! Even though the winding roads are a bit treacherous to drive on the lake road is breath taking in the winter. Even though I have live here for about twenty-four years, every time I take the thirty-five minute ferry ride across kootenay Lake I feel like a tourist. It was a sunny cold day and we sat in the hot springs for about four hours! David has a bit of time off work so we were able to go in the middle of the week so there was practically no one there. There is also a cave that you can sit in that is much hotter then the main pool and when the heat gets overwhelming you can take a dip in the ice cold pool which come straight out of the mountain. Jon, David and I dipped in it a few times. They say that it is supposed to be very good for you. Well who ever “they” are obviously haven’t done this because it was bloody cold!!! Needless to say that night we all had a great nights sleep! NOW that’s the perfect way to spend a winter out side in my opinion!

Well folks I am off to the studio to go and work on my latest illustration for grandpa’s book so bye for now and may 2010 be a fantastic year for each and every one of you!