Sometimes I look back on my life and wonder what things would be like if I could have taken a different path. Now don’t get me wrong I love my life, I love my husband and I have no regrets but sometimes I do feel a bit unfulfilled and that I should be doing something more meaningful with my life, what exactly I am not too sure.
I have my art but what is that…. I can draw pretty pictures and people are amazed that someone with my eyesight can draw such detail but what good does that do for people except make them spend their hard earned cash to own one of my creations and hang it on their wall. Yes I guess I should be flattered and I suppose they do it because it gives them pleasure? It must do something for them otherwise they wouldn’t make their purchase.
I know ‘they’ say, who ever ‘they’ are, that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others. I must say however that there are some pretty amazing people in this world people who really make a difference. What difference do ‘I’ make is the question that I often ask myself. If my life ended for whatever reason, other then the fact that friends and family would miss me, what difference would it make, I believe not much….
Now ok I just said that I have no regrets and I suppose to some degree I have to admit that this is a lie. I mean after all we are all only human and I am sure that each and every one of us has at least one regret, if not then you are pretty damn lucky. So here it is in black and white for whomever to read. I regret that I didn’t graduate from high school but if I graduated what then? I did get my GED but that doesn’t get you much. I am an intelligent person and I could have completed my high school education with out any trouble if people would have left me in peace and let me use my visual aids but they didn’t. I became very discouraged and eventually just gave up. For the most part the supposed teachers in my high school were useless and blamed me for my difficulties in school. My parents did their best to try to make things easier for me but there was only so much they could do. I am just one of those people who slipped through the cracks. I can see too well to be blind so I don’t fit in with those who are blind and I am too blind to see well and function normally in everyday life with sighted people. Yes in my small town and places that I am familiar with I am comfortable and for the most part you would NEVER suspect that I have a severe visual impairment, blind in one eye and 10% of my vision in the other. Just put me in a large city where things are unfamiliar to me and I am a completely terrified and yes quite handicapped individual! So even if I had graduated and attended college or university, navigating a large campus would have been virtually impossible for me. So what about people like me? Are we to remain uneducated because of our disabilities? How do people like me get the education they need to have good careers? I have NO idea do you?
Going to a school for the blind would have been a disaster. I have met people who have attended these schools and I am very happy that I wasn’t one of them! I went to a summer camp that was designed for the blind and visually impaired, what a nightmare what a joke! I felt so inhibited and over protected and held back and the councilors didn’t like my independence they didn’t know how to deal with me. None of my friends were visually impaired and people asked me why I didn’t befriend anyone who was visually impaired. In my experience I have found that people with visual impairments seem to be drawn to other people who have similar impairments, this never made any sense to me. I have to try to live and function in a world that is designed for people with no disabilities so why would I look for friends who have disabilities and segregate myself even more?
I have had people tell me that because I chose friends with regular vision that I was living in denial. What an extremely ignorant thing to say! I wake up every morning and open my eyes and know that I am visually impaired and deal with it for the most part in a positive way. So tell me how the fuck is that living in denial? Sometimes I think people would learn more it they kept their mouths shut and just listened!
In 2009 I had to go to Calgary for minor surgery. The surgery itself wasn’t serious and the doctors and other staff at the hospital were very nice but being left in a large hospital over night in a strange place completely freaked me out. I was SO unfamiliar with everything and when my husband and mom left to go back to their hotel I felt extremely vulnerable and I really hated that feeling I had a difficult time dealing with this. I kept thinking what would I do if they got killed in an accident? I hear of people dying on their way home on the Calgary news all the time! I ask myself if this happened how would I get home? How would I deal with this situation? To some degree these are silly questions yes but these kinds of concerns constantly haunt me.
I took an art history class in Kelowna when I was in my twenties. The Kelowna College isn’t that large and anyone with regular eyesight would have no trouble what so ever getting around. Thank God my friend was there and came to the college to give me a hand finding my way around until I was able to memorize everything. If I didn’t have her there to help me what would I have done? I have never really felt like I am truly independent. This has always been a big issue for me one that I still struggle with today.
We live in a small town and work here is very limited and unless you come here with specific training you have to take whatever job you can get and even with training it is difficult to get a good job. My husband and I love our town and our home and lifestyle so limited choices for employment was the compromise we made to live here. My husband is the breadwinner in our family and I bring in a small amount of money with my artwork but not enough to support us. I have to admit that one of my biggest fears is that if something ever happened to my husband how would I take care of myself. So selfishly I hope that I will go before he does. Yes he would suffer the loss of his wife but he would still be capable of taking care of himself. If I were alone on top of suffering the loss of my husband how would I be able to keep and maintain our beautiful little home? Everything we have worked so hard for would be gone.
After my father was killed in November 2008 by a careless driver only seven miles from our house it made me realize just how precarious life is and how we shouldn’t take anything for granted. Because of his death and watching my own mom suffer the loss of her husband, I feel like I am living in constant fear that David will be taken from me and that I will have to endure that pain all over again and try to manage on my own.
Getting through life with only 10% of your vision is not an easy task and no the world is NOT designed for people like me! Technology does make it a bit easier but it doesn’t solve all the problems. It is very frustrating and sometimes I REALLY feel ripped off. If my collarbone hadn’t some how become fractured at the hospital after I was born and I hadn’t received too much oxygen, which damaged my optic nerves, what would I be doing today? Of course my life would be totally different. No wonder I hate doctors and hospital so much. My first experience in entering this world in a hospital was very negative and Doctor’s uniforms make me feel very uncomfortable. I am so happy my family doctor doesn’t wear a lab coat! Sometimes when I go through my daily life I just feel so fucking useless! For some bazaar reason my mother seems to think that if I had good eyesight I would have ended up killing myself doing something crazy. Of course I disagree even though I can be somewhat adventurous.
Every day life for me is a constant struggle and sometimes I get so tired. How many times do I have to be turned down for a job because of my eyesight? Even though I am qualified or capable to do that job! How many time to I have to explain my visual impairment to someone. Yes it is important to educate people but it can be tiresome and very disheartening and discouraging and frightening at times! Yes I have my art but there is a reason why they call us starving artists.
Oh what I would give to be able to wave hello to someone across the street, drive a car or read a menu board or street sign or just look something up in the damn phone book or have no trouble locating the public bathroom in a restaurant or even use a blackberry or to sit on the sofa and watch TV instead of in a chair in front of it! Because of my eyesight I can never be a couch potato! So for all of you who take these simple tasks for granted just stop for a moment and realize just how VERY fortunate you are to be able to do these simple everyday things. Yes I know I am supposed to focus on the things that I am able to do but sometimes the things that I can’t do are like a large monster staring me in the face and they are really hard to ignore.
No I am not feeling sorry for myself just being painfully honest and yes venting! I think I should be allowed to do that every now and then and I suppose if you don’t want to hear me vent then you should have stopped reading this a long time ago! The venting does help me to feel better, well a little anyway.
