David and I and Maureen and a friend of hers were invited over to Jason’s house on Sunday. David and I know Jason casually we see him at a local bookstore, coffee shop all the time and we also attended a murder mystery dinner with him a while back.
I love to get to know new people and when Jason called and invited us over to his place we were delighted but had no idea what sort of evening to expect and I must say we were pleasantly surprised! It turns out our host was born and raised here in Creston and his family has apparently been here for a long time. He used to work for our local museum so he is was quite a wealth of information. I learned more about our town that evening then I have in the twenty-four years that I have resided here.
It also turns out that he is an avid collector of antiques. His home was filled with some amazing items it was like stepping back in time we should have all dressed in period costumes to help set the mood. Jason was very knowledgeable about every item that he collected as we toured his home and he had many interesting stories to share.
Some of the most interesting items that Jason has collected are his Edison gramophones; he has both the cylinder and diamond disk style. While sipping tea and eating home made scones with preserves and clotted cream (very much like Devon cream) we had the pleasure of listening to both styles of gramophones. I told my mom about this and she said that her parents had a gramophone. I wonder what ever happened to it? That would be a nice keep sake.
The records that we listened to were from the 1920’s and 1930’s. It was amazing it made me think of the old time radio story podcasts that I love to listen to while I do my artwork. We also got to listen to his player piano a first time experience for me. He also had a harpsichord that needed some work done on it but it was again the first time that I had seen a harpsichord. The harpsichord and the harp are my favorite instruments. It has always been my dream to learn the harp they are just to exspensive otherwise I would!
It was a delightful way to spend a Sunday evening and Jason was an excellent host I hope we get the chance to do this again.
Admittedly I was feeling a bit down yesterday so last night I when to my studio. I put on an Old Time Radio ghost story podcast and pulled out a sheet of art paper and my favorite 0.3 mechanical pencil and just started to do what I do best. I didn’t work on the book illustrations like I had planned to because I still need an image of a priest from the late 1800’s. I looked on the Internet and couldn’t find an image that I was happy with but apparently mom has a book with some images in it so I will use this. I don’t like to copy things exactly unless of course I am instructed to. Quite often I just use the image as an example, you know for the right proportion things like that.
But last night was for me, I was so stressed out yesterday and I am not too sure why exactly so I just let myself flow artistically and it was very therapeutic for me. I just let the podcasts carry my imagination through the story and my pencil glide over the paper with no particular plan in mind. This is how I draw and I have done some of my best work this way! I am still not finished the drawing but I am happy with it so far. I may finish it tonight before working on the book illustration it's only a small drawing.
Ok so I am not saving lives or doing some great deed for humanity or doing something productive for that matter but I am doing my art and it sure heals my soul and sometimes the souls of others! There is nothing I love more then just sitting in my studio by myself and creating it is very gratifying!
I am in the process of trying to find ways to promote my artwork so my husband and I went to KES and spoke with a woman there yesterday. It turns out that the woman has about the same amount of eyesight as I do. It‘s a small town and I have heard her name mentioned before and new that she was visually impaired but we never met. As I have said before I don’t really go out of my way to meet other visually impaired people.
So here is this woman who has pretty much the same amount of eye sight as I do and she is working in an office helping David and I find resources to promote my artwork and I am thinking boy she is lucky she has such a great job. Then I was very surprised that she new about my artwork and that she really admired it. It always amazes me how many people whom I have never met know me because of my artwork it is very inspiring and encouraging. I guess even though I get down sometimes I just have to keep doing what I do. I must be on the right path.
I guess I was meant to meet this woman because I discovered that for her going through life with a visual impairment presented her with the same obstacles as I had faced and still face. It was nice to see that someone else new how I felt and actually could see it from my prospective which is something sighted people can't do. She was lucky that she grew up here in Creston instead of in Sparwood like I did. She said it was a bit easier for her to get through school here the kids weren’t as cruel to her as they were to me. Sparwood was a horrible place to grow up with a disability but that is where my dad’s work was. Oh well I got through it. Anyway she was just the person I needed to talk to so now I don’t feel so alone.
Even though I was a bit stressed yesterday it seemed like one of those days where David and I just met all the right people at the right time.
It’s a dark rainy day but the one good thing about it is that the snow is melting. I am so glad that we didn’t get much snow this year, not like last year! No I am not a fan of snow or the cold and I don’t like it too hot or sunny either. I am a happy medium sort of gal who likes medium warm weather with lots of clouds and rain and I am a thunderstorm junkie! I know it sounds weird but the weather that many people find depressing. Energizes me.
So what to do on this rainy day? Well after this blog spending time in my beautiful studio sounds good to me. I am in the process of illustrating my grandpa John’s book. Once the illustrations are finished David and I have to put together a draft copy of the book. Then we have to find out what it will cost to print the book, we are looking at a thousand copies to start. I am hoping that I am eligible for some sort of grant maybe a historical one since this is a book about Lakota history I am sure there will be some sort of funding out there for me. I know my mom’s family is anxious for the English version to come out and we have quite a list of people interested in purchasing the book. Grandpa and grandma would be SO excited and so would my dad!
It is awesome that the German version of this book is finally available to the public and Frank, the publisher told me that a lot of copies have been sold so far! My grandpa’s dream is coming to fruition and I am now a published illustrator and when I am finished the English version of grandpa’s book I can add publisher to that list. I am not sure what good these titles will do for me but one never knows what the future may hold.
I am not sure how it is for all artists but for me it is difficult to just go and draw. You don’t turn it on like a water faucet it has to flow naturally. My husband will say Margaux get off the computer and just go and sit in your studio and draw. It doesn’t always work that way I just end up staring at my paper and nothing happens and it freaks me out because I feel like maybe I have forgotten how to draw but then I pick up my pencil or brush and it happens almost like magic. For the most part I don’t even know what the piece will look like I just think of a theme and start somewhere on the paper or canvas. However, if I am distracted by something this will sometimes inhibit my creativity or on the other hand it can make me even more creative, it just depends on the situation.
Some people don’t understand artists, they think we are flaky, daydreamers and are too whimsical and lazy and maybe sometimes we are but what would the world be with out all the amazing things that artist have created through out the centuries. Trying to make a career of being an artist is not easy. Most parents would like to see their children have a good career and would freak out if their child wanted to make a career as an artist, actor, singer, drawing, dancing or musician it doesn’t matter which one. I guess the most important thing is that you have to love what you do it must come from within. I know there are some commercial artists out there who make more money then I do but I have met some of these people and they plod along drawing what they are told to draw and not what comes from their heart. Some of them seem quite unfulfilled even though they are doing something creative.
Not sure why but I feel anxious today and a bit grumpy and antisocial I get that way sometimes. I like to go out and interact with others and socialize every now and then but for the most part I prefer to be on my own in my studio or in front of my computer. I am not one of these people who have the need to be entertained every night. Both David and I are very private people. I prefer it when people call before they stop by. When we opened the gallery just having people come in off the street was hard to get use to. This is the main reason why the gallery is totally separate from our home. Speaking of the gallery I guess I really should get out there and get off this computer. Just feeling a bit off today and not too sure why so I figured a blog session would help me sort things out or at least vent.
We all have a gift this I firmly believe to be true. Sometimes I find it ironic that here I am almost totally blind and my gift is to draw ultra-detailed drawings, what’s up with that any way? Why couldn’t my gift have been being a good accountant or some other skill that would have made for a far more practical career, something that would allow me to bring more of an income to our household what I do seen so impractical?
OOPS I am getting a bit off track here I guess now that I think about it I am feeling a bit stressed because my husband has to go to a neighboring town with his boss to do some work and I am very worried. I hate it when we have to travel at this time of the year. Every time someone I love has to go out on the road I have this unreasonable fear that something really bad is going to happen to them. This is something that I have been grappling with ever since my dad was killed by that careless driver in November 2008. I know I should be over it by now I mean come on Margaux it has been over a year. I hate feeling this way and it is completely irrational, I know. My dad’s accident was a total fluke if he had been only a few seconds slower it would have been a close call instead of an accident that caused the loss of someone I love very much. David is very careful especially after dad’s accident because he knows how many careless people are out there on the road. I just don’t know how to get over this feeling and it really annoys me! Anyway I guess it is my baggage something I am just going to have to deal with. I am sure there are others out there who have the same worries about the ones they love. I think the fact that I don’t see well and can’t drive makes it difficult for me to understand the whole road thing and how it works and just how safe or dangerous it really is. I am hoping that this feeling will pass as time goes by. I never use to feel this way not with this intensity any way. I don’t think my dad would want me to feel this way either. He would tell me to smarten up!
It is funny how expressing yourself on the World Wide Web can be some what therapeutic and thank you for taking the time to read my blog. A couple glasses of Merlot help also heeheehee!
The other day I was feeling very frustrated, angry and unsettled and I just wasn’t sure what was wrong with me. I don’t get this way to often but every now and then this happens. My poor husband David is thinking that he did something wrong and I didn’t realize that my mood was affecting him so deeply and I certainly didn’t mean to upset him. So he just gave me my space, which I appreciated.
First off I really hate it when a woman is having a bad day and the first thing people say especially men, is that she has PMS. You know every time a woman is in a bad mood or unhappy it doesn’t always have something to do with her hormones! Sometimes we actually have things happen in our lives that affect us emotionally! For me it is dealing with my visual impairment, sometimes it just gets to me and I get tired of being almost blind and the constant struggle that accompanies that.
I try very hard to deal with my life in a positive way and I try not to take my frustration out on others even though some people can be real assholes when it comes to dealing with my visual impairment! I have to admit that I am not always good at talking to others about what is on my mind. That is why blogging works for me. I am happy that I can speak openly to my two best friends my husband David and my friend of thirty-three years Tracey. So finally I broke down and had to admit to David that I was upset. As I said I felt bad because he thought I was angry with him and I certainly wasn’t. So this is what I told him and after I shared my feelings with him he suggested that I blog what I said to him and put it out there on cyberspace and the universe so here it is.
Living with a visual impairment can be very frustrating at times. Here in Creston Valley I am in my comfort zone I know my way around here and I know my way around the towns in my area. I have lived off and on in this valley for almost twenty-five years I guess by now I should pretty much know it like the back of my hand. So when I live my daily life I feel quite average and normal for the most part. Sometimes I even forget that I have a visual impairment and so do my friends.
My visual impairment is severe. I am blind in one eye and have about ten percent of my sight in the other. I don’t want to get into how I became visually impaired but if you are interested in reading more about this you can visit Living With A Visual Impairment on my website at www.artbymargaux.com.
There are times in my life when I am faced with things that make me realize just how blind I am and it really frightens me when I am faced with these challenges and this reality. A good example of this is when I went for surgery in Calgary. It was nothing life threatening nothing very dangerous. I was diagnosed with hyperparathyroidism and needed to get the effected parathyroid gland removed. My two surgeons Dr. Dort and Dr. Warshawski were both very nice. They were very straightforward about what was wrong with me and what needed to be done about it. They also both reassured me that I really didn’t need to be afraid.
When I had to go to Foothills Hospital for my surgery of course I was anxious this was only the second time that I have ever had surgery. The first time was for some cosmetic surgery that I had done on my blind eye and that was over twenty-five years ago in Vancouver. Of course being in a large city like Calgary means that I am no longer in my comfort zone and makes me realize just how impaired my vision is. Just a quick thought, I have to smile when I say large city because my husband David is from Toronto and actually thinks that Calgary is quite small. David finds his way around Calgary quite easily. Ok back to my story.
We stayed in Calgary for two nights I spent one of those in the hospital. So the first day we go there we found our hotel near the hospital then went to China Town for something to eat. We have crappy Chinese food here in Creston and I love Chinese food so it was a real treat for us.
The next morning we head to the hospital and I am getting ready for my day surgery. Foothills hospital is the largest hospital I have ever seen. I have lived in small towns all my life partly because of my visual impairment it is much easier for me to navigate a smaller place. I have been lucky and haven’t been in hospitals much except to visit others. My husband stayed with me for as long as they would allow him to. So many people asking me questions and everything is so unfamiliar it was all quite disorienting. At one point both my surgeons came in to see me just before the surgery. I was terrified but not so much about the surgery because I was so well informed as to what was going to happen, I was more frightened about everything else the lack of control and the unfamiliarity of everything I was completely intimidated by this. Dr. Warshawski told me not to be afraid, I know he had no idea as to what exactly it was that I was afraid of. I am not even sure if he knew that I was legally blind. I am not sure if I told him or Dr. Dort about my visual impairment. I don’t know maybe he thought I was just being a forty-four baby over a little day surgery? Who knows I guess it really doesn’t matter he and Dr. Dort were there to do their job and a good job they did indeed. I know that I was in very good hands…
Before the surgery I was asked many questions one of the concerns that they had was protecting my eyes so they took extra precautions. Of course this freaked me out completely and at this point I started to cry. Damn it I really didn’t want to cry and I was doing so well. I struggle so hard to be a strong person and there is nothing I hate more then crying in front of people! What little vision I have is important to me my art is so detailed and I wouldn’t be able to do my artwork any more if my vision got any worse. Even with the vision that I have it is a struggle for me to draw. Even though I use visual aids it is a strain on my eyes, my neck and my back. I have chronic back and neck pain because I have to stoop to get so close to the paper when I draw!
I remember walking into the operating room and feeling like I wanted to bolt. I don’t know what it is but I have an absolute phobia of people wearing hospital uniforms. I could see those same people in their street clothes and I am fine but they put on those uniforms and my heart races and I feel nauseated even white lab coats freak me out. There has to be reasons for this you don’t just become afraid of something like that for nothing I am sure some shrink would figure it out lol. So I am standing in the operating room and thinking what would they do if I just turned and ran? I am wondering if anyone has ever done that before? If I did run how much trouble would I get into or would they just not care and get on with other things? That thought left me quite quickly when I realized that because of my visual impairment I probably wouldn’t be able to find my way out of the hospital that easily. So of course this made me feel even more trapped and confined and I hated it and I hated my self for being so fearful and thinking this way! These people do surgery all the time so I don’t know if they can even tell how I am feeling or if I looked calm because I sure didn’t feel calm. From my prospective I felt I must have looked like a deer in the headlights.
I lay down on the narrow table and they start to prepare me for surgery and at this point I can’t move because they have stuff attached to both my arms. I am muttering nervously about this and that you know I don’t really remember what I said but I am sure most of it was nonsense. I think I remember someone asking me why I had five holes in my ears but I can’t remember exactly what I said to them and I guess it really doesn’t matter. The one thing I really liked was the music in the background it was eighties music that I was familiar with and it was comforting. I was wondering who got to choose the music and I was very happy that they didn’t choose country! Oh God can you imagine falling asleep to some droning wining country song. I think something by Phil Collins was the last thing I heard before I was out.
It took them a while to find me a room but they finally found one for me in the burn ward. I really lucked out and got a private room all to myself with a television. I couldn’t really see the TV from my bed; at home I usually sit right in front of the TV on a chair but it was still a comforting to have the TV there and I listened to and sort of watched Murdoch Mysteries and the Calgary news. It helped to pass the time.
Once I was settled in my room it was so good to see my husband and mom their familiar faces were a great comfort since I spend most of the day feeling so disoriented, lost and turned around. After mom and David left that fear and discomfort started to settle in again. How lost I felt once again and I hate it when this happens but it does when I am in unfamiliar settings. I was watching the Calgary news and I started thinking what would I do if David and mom got killed in a car accident on the way back to their hotel. You hear of these things happening on the news all the time. I thought how would I get home what would I do? I tried to get this stupid thought out of my head I mean come on Margaux the hotel is only about three blocks away but then I realized I don’t even know if I could find my way back to our hotel and that stupid gripping fear got worse.
No I am not feeling sorry for myself these are legitimate concerns and unless someone can see the world through my eyes no one will truly understand. Yes here I am in my private room surrounded by burn victims who I can hear suffering and I felt bad for them and thought of the difficult road that they had ahead of them recovering from their injuries. Most of them will recover eventually but no matter what I do my vision will never get better and thank God it is not supposed to get worse but living with this on a daily basis does get tiresome.
I am a very free spirited person and sometimes I feel trapped in my own body sometimes I feel like I am on a tether and the world is just out of my reach. I think this is why I have always lived in small towns. This is part of the reason why I never got a career even though I always wanted one. Because I am limited when it comes to traveling I haven’t been able to properly promote my own artwork. Thank God David can help me with that now and my parents helped me as much as they could in the past. Yes I know I am supposed to focus on the things that I can do but there are so many things that I can’t do that it is difficult sometimes to over look them.
When I was going to school you couldn’t pass your grade unless you passed physical education. I know it is important to be active but in looking back schools putting such emphasis on PE was really stupid. So if you got good grades in everything else they wouldn’t pass you if you failed PE! So here I am I can’t play any sports that involve the use of a ball so I spent a lot of time doing nothing and feeling very left out and of course my classmates often made fun of me. Fortunately there were a few things that got me my passing grade for PE. I could run like the wind very few people could catch me even some of the guys. How ironic is that, a blind woman who can run really fast. I think I inherited this from my dad who could also run very fast. I was also good at floor gymnastics. I couldn’t do anything on the uneven bars or the horse you need depth perception for that and with monocular vision I don’t have that. Anything I do that involves depth perception I learn with practice. I also could dance so when they did any of these things in PE I could be involved and it barely got me my passing grade.
I am a very active person and if I had good eyesight I probably would do much more then I am now. I stay in shape by working with free weights and on my treadmill. I love to explore caves and when I lived in Idaho we did this a few times and it was a lot of fun! I would like to try repelling some day I am hoping David and I can do this. He tried it and said it was a lot of fun. I would probably love skiing even though I am not a huge fan of the snow and cold the challenge would be nice but it would be a very difficult thing for me to do. We never got around to it but a friend of mine who is very skilled skier was going to take me skiing one time she was going to ski in front of me and have me follow exactly what she did. She figured if she acted as my eyes I would be able to go a lot faster then if I was on my own. I am sure it would have worked and who knows maybe I may get a chance to do this. Well it had better happen soon though I am not getting any younger!
Anyway I hope none of you see this blog as self-pity because it certainly isn’t meant to be that way I am simply sharing my feelings with you. Letting people know how frustrating it can be sometimes. Yes we all have our limitations and I get tired of people telling me this. When I express myself in this way I am not always looking for an answer sometimes I am just wanting someone to listen and to learn. Aside from being quadriplegic I think limited eyesight is one of the most difficult disabilities for someone to deal with because we rely on our eyesight for pretty much everything we do.
So I will plod along and live my life and for the most part do this quite happily. Every now and then the stress gets to me but I will get through it I always do. Even though I get pissed off about a lot of things I suppose in the end these experiences will make me a stronger person either that or I will go insane! Maybe I will just become a crazy cat lady. Oh that’s right I already am one!
So another Christmas and new years has come and gone. David and I had our first Christmas dinner at our home. We wanted to give mom a treat so we had her and four friends over for dinner. It was a difficult Christmas for both mom and I since dad’s death and I can’t help but feel sad that our first Christmas dinner in our home was without him. I have to admit that it is strange to celebrate Christmas with out my dad it was such an important time of your for him but we still managed to have fun and that is what he would want us to do. Mom helped me prepare dinner so it was a busy and distracted day. Even though it is supposed to be a time for celebration and good cheer, it seems that the festive holiday season has a tendency to remind us of the ones we have lost. All I can hope for is that my father was with us in spirit.
I don’t care for traditional turkey and bread stuffing all that much. I will eat it if someone serves it but I won’t prepare it myself so for dinner I served Cornish hens with wild rice stuffing, sweet potatoes and home made cranberry sauce that mom made. Our friend Malcolm brought over a green bean and almond dish that was awesome and Gwen and Dave brought over some home made wine yum! After dinner we sat around and had a few drinks and visited we all had a great deal of fun. Friends are the family that you choose!
On Boxing Day David and I took down our small fiber optic Christmas tree. This will be the last time I use that tree with dad gone I feel the need to create a new tradition so this year I am going to do a Nightmare Before Christmas theme for my new tree. We picked up a three-foot tree at Walmart in Cranbrook. I will spray paint it black and use orange lights on it. Since I am the queen of Halloween and pretty much celebrate it all year round all my friends thought that this was a great idea and a nice way for me to incorporate my favorite holiday with Christmas. I will decorate the tree with Halloween themed items; I think it will look great! If I have time I will try to create a Tim Burton-esque village to place under the tree! We will see how busy I am this year.
Once we got all the Christmas items packed away for another year we headed over to our friends Malcolm and Jon’s place for their annual Boxing Day party. I have to admit that we all over indulged that day but hey that’s what this time of year is for! The rest of the week before new years it was pretty quiet we needed to recuperate. We were invited to a party on new years eve that we had every intention of attending, hot tub outside and everything but when the day came we were just too burned out and decided to have a romantic evening at home instead. You know this was equally as fun as going to the party and we are going to get together with Rae another time! Some hot spiced wine, my sweetie and our four cats, what a great way to bring in the New Year. When David and I don’t go anywhere for New Years it is our tradition to make hot spiced wine. If we weren’t so tired we would have had a fire in our wood stove in the back yard.
I didn’t manage to get my three feet by five foot acrylic painting of Cat City finished until after the New Year but that’s ok. That’s the nice thing about being an artist you don’t have to have deadlines after all you can’t force creativity it must flow. This is one reason why I am not to fond of doing commissioned work unless they give me total artistic license which is what I usually get when I am commissioned to do a piece. So Cat City is my first painting of 2010. It was difficult for me to work on Cat City. Originally it started off as another painting called Mistress Catarina, which was going to be a painting of a gypsy fortune-telling cat sitting in front of her table with a crystal ball and her tarot cards. I had started the painting before my dad’s death. I remember showing it to him and he was looking forward do seeing it when it was finished. He was a big fan of my cat paintings and drawings. After he was killed I tried to finish the painting but couldn’t it was just far too painful so it just sat there in my studio for almost a year unfinished and taking up room. Finally I covered the original painting in black to prepare the canvas for a new painting. It took me a while to know what I was going to paint I just wasn’t sure but that is the way it works for me with my art. I don’t plan the drawing or painting it has to come to me. The idea of a cat filled city came to me and I was able to complete the canvas which now proudly hangs in my gallery. I think my dad would have liked it.
Now I have to focus on getting the book illustrations done, these will all be in pencil, which is my favorite medium. I haven’t worked with pencil for a while so it will be a nice change. Many of you who read my blogs know of my grandpa John’s stories and that I am publishing and illustrating them. As you know for many reasons I have had to put this project on the back burner over the past two years but it will be published this year for sure come hell or high water. I have about eight more illustrations to do. My friend Louanne who is a professor of writing and the author of several books will be proof reading the stories for me I am so honored to have her give me a hand with this project. I am happy to announce that the German version of grandpa’s book is now in print so I am now officially a published illustrator! This title will be a wonderful addition to my resume! Also and most important my grandpa’s dream of having his stories published has finally come to fruition. So now the family is pressing me to get the English version finished.
As many of you know after my father was killed I couldn’t do much for a bout a year. It is amazing how his death stole the creativity from me as well as a few other things. I tried to be creative that year but it just wasn’t in me and I needed to mourn his loss. Now it is time to move forward I know that is what my dad would want. He would say,” Little one you have to get back in there and start creating and make me proud!” So this year my goal is to focus on doing more art work in fact my new years resolution and my promise to myself, my husband David and dear friend Jon, is to spend at least two hours a day in the studio. I really need to produce more art and it is going to be a long winter! Everyone around here knows my work and who I am so I need to expand the exposure that my art gets by traveling to cities such as Calgary or tourist areas like Banff and try to find a market for my work there. It would be nice to go to Calgary this year for fun instead of for appointments. David and I worked hard building the studio and gallery and it is beautiful so we also want to promote our business so we will start to find ways to increase the amount of traffic that comes to our gallery and my website. Also my poor website is very dated so I have a big job ahead of me updating that.
Is it my imagination or are the days starting to get noticeably longer? As much as I love the nighttime I appreciate the return of longer days! Oh how I long for a warm summer night and a good thunderstorm! At this time of year while others our out skiing, snow shoeing, skating and such I spend my day longing for warmer weather which makes for a very long a tedious winter. I guess David and I will have to start trying to find ways to enjoy winter. Maybe taking up cross-country skiing or snowshoeing would be fun and a great way to get some exorcise out doors? I workout in the house with free weights and on my treadmill but it would be much nicer to get fresh air. When I was in high school our physical education class gave us skiing lessons in Fernie. It was fun but with my severe visual impairment down hill skiing was quite a challenge I could only go so fast and really had to watch out for others. I suppose if I had kept up with it I would have improved and it would be more enjoyable. I did meet my best friend Tracey there and we had a lot of fun together and are still the best of friends.
One good way to get outside and enjoy the winter weather is to soak in a hot spring and that is exactly what we did last week. Malcolm and Jon took David and I out to Ainsworth Hot Springs and for lunch, oh what a treat that was! It is about an hour and a half drive along Kootenay Lake and I must say that it was beautiful! Even though the winding roads are a bit treacherous to drive on the lake road is breath taking in the winter. Even though I have live here for about twenty-four years, every time I take the thirty-five minute ferry ride across kootenay Lake I feel like a tourist. It was a sunny cold day and we sat in the hot springs for about four hours! David has a bit of time off work so we were able to go in the middle of the week so there was practically no one there. There is also a cave that you can sit in that is much hotter then the main pool and when the heat gets overwhelming you can take a dip in the ice cold pool which come straight out of the mountain. Jon, David and I dipped in it a few times. They say that it is supposed to be very good for you. Well who ever “they” are obviously haven’t done this because it was bloody cold!!! Needless to say that night we all had a great nights sleep! NOW that’s the perfect way to spend a winter out side in my opinion!
Well folks I am off to the studio to go and work on my latest illustration for grandpa’s book so bye for now and may 2010 be a fantastic year for each and every one of you!
Sometimes I look back on my life and wonder what things would be like if I could have taken a different path. Now don’t get me wrong I love my life, I love my husband and I have no regrets but sometimes I do feel a bit unfulfilled and that I should be doing something more meaningful with my life, what exactly I am not too sure.
I have my art but what is that…. I can draw pretty pictures and people are amazed that someone with my eyesight can draw such detail but what good does that do for people except make them spend their hard earned cash to own one of my creations and hang it on their wall. Yes I guess I should be flattered and I suppose they do it because it gives them pleasure? It must do something for them otherwise they wouldn’t make their purchase.
I know ‘they’ say, who ever ‘they’ are, that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others. I must say however that there are some pretty amazing people in this world people who really make a difference. What difference do ‘I’ make is the question that I often ask myself. If my life ended for whatever reason, other then the fact that friends and family would miss me, what difference would it make, I believe not much….
Now ok I just said that I have no regrets and I suppose to some degree I have to admit that this is a lie. I mean after all we are all only human and I am sure that each and every one of us has at least one regret, if not then you are pretty damn lucky. So here it is in black and white for whomever to read. I regret that I didn’t graduate from high school but if I graduated what then? I did get my GED but that doesn’t get you much. I am an intelligent person and I could have completed my high school education with out any trouble if people would have left me in peace and let me use my visual aids but they didn’t. I became very discouraged and eventually just gave up. For the most part the supposed teachers in my high school were useless and blamed me for my difficulties in school. My parents did their best to try to make things easier for me but there was only so much they could do. I am just one of those people who slipped through the cracks. I can see too well to be blind so I don’t fit in with those who are blind and I am too blind to see well and function normally in everyday life with sighted people. Yes in my small town and places that I am familiar with I am comfortable and for the most part you would NEVER suspect that I have a severe visual impairment, blind in one eye and 10% of my vision in the other. Just put me in a large city where things are unfamiliar to me and I am a completely terrified and yes quite handicapped individual! So even if I had graduated and attended college or university, navigating a large campus would have been virtually impossible for me. So what about people like me? Are we to remain uneducated because of our disabilities? How do people like me get the education they need to have good careers? I have NO idea do you?
Going to a school for the blind would have been a disaster. I have met people who have attended these schools and I am very happy that I wasn’t one of them! I went to a summer camp that was designed for the blind and visually impaired, what a nightmare what a joke! I felt so inhibited and over protected and held back and the councilors didn’t like my independence they didn’t know how to deal with me. None of my friends were visually impaired and people asked me why I didn’t befriend anyone who was visually impaired. In my experience I have found that people with visual impairments seem to be drawn to other people who have similar impairments, this never made any sense to me. I have to try to live and function in a world that is designed for people with no disabilities so why would I look for friends who have disabilities and segregate myself even more?
I have had people tell me that because I chose friends with regular vision that I was living in denial. What an extremely ignorant thing to say! I wake up every morning and open my eyes and know that I am visually impaired and deal with it for the most part in a positive way. So tell me how the fuck is that living in denial? Sometimes I think people would learn more it they kept their mouths shut and just listened!
In 2009 I had to go to Calgary for minor surgery. The surgery itself wasn’t serious and the doctors and other staff at the hospital were very nice but being left in a large hospital over night in a strange place completely freaked me out. I was SO unfamiliar with everything and when my husband and mom left to go back to their hotel I felt extremely vulnerable and I really hated that feeling I had a difficult time dealing with this. I kept thinking what would I do if they got killed in an accident? I hear of people dying on their way home on the Calgary news all the time! I ask myself if this happened how would I get home? How would I deal with this situation? To some degree these are silly questions yes but these kinds of concerns constantly haunt me.
I took an art history class in Kelowna when I was in my twenties. The Kelowna College isn’t that large and anyone with regular eyesight would have no trouble what so ever getting around. Thank God my friend was there and came to the college to give me a hand finding my way around until I was able to memorize everything. If I didn’t have her there to help me what would I have done? I have never really felt like I am truly independent. This has always been a big issue for me one that I still struggle with today.
We live in a small town and work here is very limited and unless you come here with specific training you have to take whatever job you can get and even with training it is difficult to get a good job. My husband and I love our town and our home and lifestyle so limited choices for employment was the compromise we made to live here. My husband is the breadwinner in our family and I bring in a small amount of money with my artwork but not enough to support us. I have to admit that one of my biggest fears is that if something ever happened to my husband how would I take care of myself. So selfishly I hope that I will go before he does. Yes he would suffer the loss of his wife but he would still be capable of taking care of himself. If I were alone on top of suffering the loss of my husband how would I be able to keep and maintain our beautiful little home? Everything we have worked so hard for would be gone.
After my father was killed in November 2008 by a careless driver only seven miles from our house it made me realize just how precarious life is and how we shouldn’t take anything for granted. Because of his death and watching my own mom suffer the loss of her husband, I feel like I am living in constant fear that David will be taken from me and that I will have to endure that pain all over again and try to manage on my own.
Getting through life with only 10% of your vision is not an easy task and no the world is NOT designed for people like me! Technology does make it a bit easier but it doesn’t solve all the problems. It is very frustrating and sometimes I REALLY feel ripped off. If my collarbone hadn’t some how become fractured at the hospital after I was born and I hadn’t received too much oxygen, which damaged my optic nerves, what would I be doing today? Of course my life would be totally different. No wonder I hate doctors and hospital so much. My first experience in entering this world in a hospital was very negative and Doctor’s uniforms make me feel very uncomfortable. I am so happy my family doctor doesn’t wear a lab coat! Sometimes when I go through my daily life I just feel so fucking useless! For some bazaar reason my mother seems to think that if I had good eyesight I would have ended up killing myself doing something crazy. Of course I disagree even though I can be somewhat adventurous.
Every day life for me is a constant struggle and sometimes I get so tired. How many times do I have to be turned down for a job because of my eyesight? Even though I am qualified or capable to do that job! How many time to I have to explain my visual impairment to someone. Yes it is important to educate people but it can be tiresome and very disheartening and discouraging and frightening at times! Yes I have my art but there is a reason why they call us starving artists.
Oh what I would give to be able to wave hello to someone across the street, drive a car or read a menu board or street sign or just look something up in the damn phone book or have no trouble locating the public bathroom in a restaurant or even use a blackberry or to sit on the sofa and watch TV instead of in a chair in front of it! Because of my eyesight I can never be a couch potato! So for all of you who take these simple tasks for granted just stop for a moment and realize just how VERY fortunate you are to be able to do these simple everyday things. Yes I know I am supposed to focus on the things that I am able to do but sometimes the things that I can’t do are like a large monster staring me in the face and they are really hard to ignore.
No I am not feeling sorry for myself just being painfully honest and yes venting! I think I should be allowed to do that every now and then and I suppose if you don’t want to hear me vent then you should have stopped reading this a long time ago! The venting does help me to feel better, well a little anyway.
